Not so much resolutions.

Since the new year is coming, many people are making their resolutions. I don't really like to make resolutions. There are things that I will always continuously need to work on and I'm going to work on that from now until the day I die. Therefore, I don't confine things changes to one year (a bit hipsteresque, i know). Despite my lack off resolutions, there are a few things I want to especially focus on. For one,
I want to lose at last 30 pounds before the summer. I had began working out last year but, I've hit a plateau  I lost a relatively nice amount of weight. However, I haven't worked out in over a month and probably won't have a chance to until February. Therefore, I'm gonna have to work twice as hard to lose the initial weight plus any weight I've gained. I'm gonna have to put a greater focus on eating better and working out more. By eating better I mean actually eating instead of skipping meals because they're terrible. An even bigger focus is maintaining my GPA and grades. I know there are certain areas I need to work on academically and my goal is to improve in these areas to the best of my ability. (I also need to take my SAT which I'm not necessarily looking forward to). As for relationships, there is minimal focus on this area. If I meet someone, that's awesome. If I don't, even more awesome. This year, I've had very few "relationships" and they've ended on pretty jank notes. Therefore, the mature members of the male species will just have to search me out. I will NOT be searching for them. My greatest goal is just to continue to better myself mentally and emotionally. I've made great strides since forever ago but there are still things I want to adjust about myself. Thankfully, I have an open-mind so I continue to remain open to new ways to improve myself. Ultimately  this year is going to be what I make it. Alongside my friends, I plan on making this year excellent. 

I can feel it

That feeling that everything is going to crash. I don't feel secure in my current positions and I hate that. Trying not to let it affect me is even harder. I just want affirmation and honesty. I feel like the majority stems from one problem in particular but, once that is solved...then what? I hate this.

Boys, Relationships, "Talking"...and School

There's so many questions and thoughts but I don't know what you feel or how I should feel. We're still at square one and I don't know how to move past it. Just say how you feel and be serious with me. I don't wanna put pressure on you and ruing what could be a good friendship but I don't wanna waste this. 

I'm tired of people continuously pointing out the obvious.

Yes, I know I'm fat. I've known that forever. I don't think I need anyone to tell me what my body looks like, especially if you're overweight yourself. I work out and don't eat a punch of junk food. I don't eat as often as I should be when I do I eat healthy. Stop focusing on the fact that i'm fat and acknowledge the fact that I'm putting in work to change it. Constant criticism isn't going to help me. Either give advice or don't say anything. 

I really need to get back on working out.

I've just stopped. I need to kick it in gear. I'm letting all my hard work go to waste. I refuse to give up. I need to get over my laziness and get up.

I remember how I had this fantasy of what high school should be.

And that fantasy has failed miserably. I also dreamed of meeting a guy who wasn't crap and just enjoying high school. I have meet many guys and it's gone nowhere. It's like all the guys I'm attracted to are nowhere to be found. I'm just sitting around like a lonely potato. But, you get over it. You find a way to get over it and move on. 

I wonder if I've been strong for too long.

But at the same time, I know I have to be strong. For her, for me, for everyone else. But I can' let my guard down. It's not me. It's hard and I just feel like I just need to stick with it. I don't know. I can't put everything I need to say or feel like I need to say in words. I'm just tired and stressed. 

Congrats me!

I always belittle my weight loss progress. I just act like it never happened and I didn't work hard but looking back I have made progress. I haven't made as much progress I want but I'm still working hard and that's all that mattered. This summer, is the make it or break it point for me.

I wonder if I could've handled it better.

But then again, do I care to cry? Like, I feel like I should've just so things would be better. But I don't care. I feel like this friendship was a waste. But we had good times. But they're not good enough to salvage. It just was too much effort. But I feel like this ended terribly. 

I'm over it

I'm so over these people and the foolishness. Like, I don't understand it. Maybe it's because of the school year coming to an end and I'm just done. Or maybe, I'm just over everything. I don't know. But I can honestly say there's about 2 people I want to talk to and be around right about now. Maybe I'm just annoyed with all the crap being spewed out. Whether online or in person. I'm tired of it. I don't care. But just because I don't care doesn't mean everyone else doesn't. 

I need to let it go.

It's whatever. We're not together a never were. But that slight feeling has made an impact. I just want it to be over. I'm used to being numb. But something is just, gnawing away at me. I just wanna be numb. I just want to go home and get away.

You know what's scary?

Feeling like; you've lost your faith, you don't have control over what's going on around, everything's going against, not being able to let go. I never thought it would be me. I've seen it before and sympathize with other people but I never imagined how hard it would me. I can't stop but feel like I could've done something better. That this is karma. For not being nice enough, for not caring enough, for not being a better person. But then I want to kick myself in the butt for feeling this way. I can't even remember the last time I cried this much. I'm scared and I hate it. But I'm not gonna tell anyone. I'm gonna hold it in and let it kill me. Because that's the only thing I know how to do and the one person I want to tell it to is in a different state and this can't be sad over the phone. I hate this. Feeling this way. Like i'm helpless and can't help. But I need to be strong. For her, for me, for everyone else. 

I've gotten to a point where I just don't care.

It's not my job to worry about anyone else. I just need to handle me and mine. I'm human just like everyone else so who am I to judge? But, that doesn't mean I can form opinions off of what I see. But then again I can't act on it. I'm just worried about me. I'm gonna have fun and do me regardless. That's all I can do and all I want to do. Be free and live.

Crew Love

As much as I love my friends and my crew, I get annoyed after a while. I have to take breaks from them and just take some me time. It can range from an hour to a couple of days. But it just gives me time away to think. But no matter what, if my crew is as down as they say; we will end up back at square one with each other.

Why do guys ask girls for 'pics'?

What purpose does it serve? Like, is it material for masturbation? If that is the case that is what bangbros, pornhub, and countless other porn sites are for. If you really wanted to see me naked you'd come and see me. Not only that but it's typically not the guy you're in a relationship with who asks for pics. Why would I give pics to someone who i'm not in a relationship with? And then for you to have the audacity to get an attitude and stop talking to me because I don't want to send you my pics? It's good to know what kind of dude you are so now I can move on to someone better. But thank you for wasting my time in the first place. I really needed that. 

Going Back

Although I could care less about having to go to school; I'm excited that I can go back and continue with my workout routine. Unfortunately, I gained weight while on break but that just means more work. I refuse to slack off. I'm tired of waking up and not liking what I see. I WILL stay motivated and I will reach my goal.

Another reason I don't want to go back is because I just don't want to have to deal with the annoying people at my school and all of the drama i'm sure will be raging. Oh the perks of an all girls school. But at the end of the day, I'm done with the drama so I could care less. I'm so done with being "nice" at this point anyone who has ever done me dirty is now off my line of communication. I don't need it and I don't care. I'd rather be happy and me and have a bunch of annoying girls dislike me then try to win approval from a bunch of people who don't care about me or make a difference in my life. I'm beyond done with the crap at this point. 

Sometimes

I think that maybe I should change my ways. But then I began to think why? Who am I changing for and why? Why should I change for people who don't matter and/or don't care about me? If I'm going to change it's going to be for myself. I know my flaw and faults and I work on them but I won't do anything I feel in my heart that I should do.

But I feel like I have changed and I don't know if it's for the better or the worst. Or maybe I haven't changed. I'm still me but I'm only letting a certain side of me be shown. I try to show all my colors and who I am but I don't know if it's going so well.

I've got a lot of thinking and self evaluating to do. 

BOYS BOYS BOYS

Ugh, Boys. Amazing but often confusing. I'm talking to a new boy now and I just feel so awkward. Like, I'm awesome at helping my friends talk to guys but when I talk to them it's like, "OHMYLORD WHAT SHOULD I SAY NEXT!" It's so nerve racking. And in the back of my mind I keep thinking, what if he finds someone prettier, thinner, or even just overall better. But at the same time, it's just a boy. Life will go on and I'll meet more but, this is just such a conflicting situation.

P.S. I've lost 12  pounds (:

The good life

I go on spring break in less than 2 days and i'm beyond excited. I'm going to hang out with my best friends and either go to Miami or New York. I'm super excited. Honestly, I want to go all out for Spring break. Like, a mini Project X. We'll see how well that blows over (:

Motivation and Effort

I'm tired of people complaining about how they want to lose weight but not make the effort. I can on encourage you so much. You have to put in the work and really want it. I work out almost every day except for Sunday. You're trying to tell me you can only work out 3 times a week? Not only that; you expect those 2 days to make a difference when you still have terrible eating habits? What you're basically saying is that you want this handed to you and I refuse to do it. This is serious business and you HAVE to want it for yourself.

Control

Nothing feels better than knowing you have control over your life. I love it. I feel like all my hard work is really paying off. It's a good feeling to know that your work is worthwhile and that things are coming together. I'm just in a such a generally better mood. I feel like I need to lighten up my environment too. Starting with my blogs, then my room, and well, my wardrobe is as bright as I will let it get (which isn't very but still). If anyone were to ever tell me hard work doesn't pay off they'd be the biggest liar. 

I don't like talking about my problems.

I don't feel like I should set and talk about my problems when there are other people in the world who have life so much harder. My problems lack in comparison and I don't have a reason to feel the way I do sometimes. Sometimes I wish I had a really tough lie so I could have a reason for feeling the way I do. But I don't, so why go around talking about my problems. But I don't feel anything enough to actually care about my problems...

I hate having people from my school know about all my websites I'm on.

Like, places I went to express myself, I can't go. It's so annoying. Now I have to just ignore what I want to say. It's so annoying. Like, everyone pores their feelings out to me but I can't do that on my private blogs.

I hate when people complain.

Like, shut up. It's not that serious. Even little things you feel the need to complain. Shut up and take it. That's life, get over it and grow up.

I hate asking my mom for money.

It makes me feel like such a burden! Honestly, I wish I could just get a job. I'd be a freakin busboy if I had to. As long as I could get money and didn't have to ask my mom for money it's worth it. 

OOTD